Tomorrow is Saturday and Sunday Comes Afterwards

April 6, 2011

“Remember there’s a big differnce between kneeling down and bending over.” -Frank Zappa

First off, let me say that Wrestlemania was terrible. Good thing my roomate and I didn’t shell out the $55 for about $25 of “entertainment.” One of the best matches, Danielson vs. Sheamus, got bumped from the card and moved to a pre-show, fans only match because they needed to add time for skits and a celebration following one match that didn’t require one. I only regret missing Taker-HHH as it happened, as this may have been the last time Undertaker wrestled. If he does come back, it won’t be until this time next year to defend his undefeated streak. Cena was booed(predictable), his match against Miz sucked(predictable), and the Rock cost him the title(predictable). Why Cena can’t lose a match without someone interfering or getting hit with a weapon is beyond me. This lame gimmick of his, that he’s SuperCena and will never give up, has got to end. Lose cleanly to the Miz, who despite being champion is treated like a second-class citizen in the organization, and let him take the torch. You had a 5-6 year run as the face of the company, most of which sucked, but let someone else pick up a credible win. Do they think that if he loses cleanly that all his kid fans will lose faith, start drinking and smoking, steal cars and shoot shopowners? Kneel down, don’t bend us actual fans over by continuing this crap. The Rock attacked you to give someone else a chance to win. That attack by the Rock set up a showdown with Cena…at next Wrestlemania, 361 days away, which probably won’t happen since the current writing staff can barely create storylines that last six weeks that don’t become convoluted or gratuitous. Not looking forward to this saga coming forward. Coming off of that, it’s Quotomania!

“My spirit’s made up of the Ocean/and the Sky/and the Sun/and the Moon/and all I can see.” –Frownland, Captain Beefheart

The Captain had a connection with nature(or was on a soda bottle’s worth of LSD, depending on who’s story you believe.) He realized from an early age that he was an animal, as we all are, and that we have a bond with nature. He also found that people are constantly put in a position that draws them away from those instincts and spirits. DonVan Vliet(real name) did his best to stay in tune with the ocean, sky, sun, moon, animals, desert and soul. Vliet didn’t want to grow up into a machine that he saw other people turn into. That’s why he wrote, sang, played, spoke and painted in a way that was very primal and kept in tune with the animal world he knew we should all be apart of. He and Zappa did hate hippies, though. They felt they were hipsters trying to capitalize on a new fad by preaching bullshit ‘Free Love’ slogans and smoking dope with other long haired idiots who followed the trend. Weekend hippies were even worse in their eyes(and mine.) People who preached flower power and fighting the man out of one side of their mouth, while ordering White Castle out of the other side and finishing the quarterly report on their lunch break. Be wary of the weekend hippies, ones who tell you how to be environmentally friendly because “Going Green” was the trend on the last “16 and Pregnant” and regurgitate information they got off some hackneyed born-again mother’s website. They’re not in touch with all that they can see, they’re not one with the mystic world, as Beefheart is. Without people maintaining those animal ties we have to our Earth, we get people like this… 

“If you want to be environmentally friendly, just kill every living thing you see. And bury it.” –Lethargy Crisis, Sarge

This is not keeping the tie to your natural form. Maybe it is, maybe you’re just naturally violent. Some kids just naturally go out and set stuff on fire(pyros are born like that.) These people are the enemy to environmentalists. The people who got the message wrong and spread poor information. It’s like the game of telephone; down the line, the message keeps getting slightly more warped, until there’s the one kid who messes it up intentionally and spreads the completely wrong message. Then you have people who go off and kill everything thinking it’s green. That message keeps getting warped thanks to these damn weekend hippies, who come in and think they know what they’re talking about until they miss a word or two in the translation that they don’t understand and fill in the blanks. Or worse, they think they know better and spread their own propaganda. Damn these hipsters! Thanks to them, we now have so many messages about environmental activism that no one knows what they should do…

“The answer to today’s overabundance of technology isn’t fewer useless gadgets; it’s more useless features and fewer usable ones…and of course it plays MP3s. Everythings gotta play MP3s. Expect your MP3 player! It now plays MP4s, because everybody knows MP3s are a dead technology. They’re our generation’s beta-max…and the next generation’s Blu-Ray.” –Go, Go Gadget Video, Sarge

Look what the did, those dirty weekend hippies. They turned Go Green into dead technology. You can’t find a product on the shelves that doesn’t say it’s made with organic material, macro-biotic certified and free of precious whale meat. Of course there’s no whale meat in Ritz, it’s a cracker! I’m not stupid enough to go buy Ritz over Keebler because of the promise that I won’t find Shamu II amongst my baseball patterns(GO YANKEES!). But that’s what they’ve done. Go Green is to our generation what the aerobic fitness craze was to the 80’s. You couldn’t be a respected physical fitness facility until you had an aerobics studio. Pretty soon, everyone had one. So they had to jazz it up, with Jazzercize. Then SuperJazzercize. Then Sweatin to the Oldies. Everybody had their own spin on a product that was pretty original but got oversaturated with useless add-ons to the point that there were only a few legitimate aerobics programs left. This Go Green movement has become overly complicated…

Rules of Whack-Bat “There’s three grabbers, three taggers, five twig runners and the player at Whack-Bat. Center tagger lights the pine cone and chucks it over the basket and the whackbatter tries to hit the cedar stick off the cross rock. Then the twig runners dash back and forth until the pine cone burns out and the umpire calls ‘Hotbox.’ Finally at the end you count up how many scoredowns it adds up to and divide that by nine.” –Fantastic Mr. Fox, Coach Skip

How can I keep track of what’ s eco-friendly and what’s fair trade and whatever the next trend that hippies find a problem with. They hated conflict diamonds, next will be conflict shoes. Who will buy Nikes if Brangelina and U2 join the cause that they don’t want their kids walking around in shoes that some poor Korean kid made? Not hipsters, that’s for sure. When they get on that bandwagon and start peddling their judgments against people who didn’t get the tweet 12 seconds ago that Nikes aren’t cool anymore, it’s just one more step towards the eventual Green uniform. Wear a certain brand of jewelry, certain shoes, pants and shirts must be natural fibers, toothpaste must be made of berries, same with shampoo. It’s pretty much a naturalist, an Eco-warrior, like the type that go up on trees for two years to prevent it from being cut down. But who want’s to be called a Naturalist…

On HD DVD “Bad marketing, not enough repeated letters in the name to be catchy. So it’s being replaced with HHDDVVDBVDs.” -Go, Go Gadget Video, Sarge

Go Green. 2 G’s, 2 E’s. Pretty color. Ambiguous. Perfect. Instead of the weekend hippies calling it a naturalist movement, they call it the Go Green movement. It’s catchy and it sells a hell of a lot of merchandise. Hey, I know you don’t need a reusable water container, but this says Go Green on it, so it’ll show other hippies that you’re down with this cause and I can hawk it for extra money to pay for my rent. Brilliant, and another piece of paraphenalia they can wear as part of the Green uniform. By this point, it isn’t even about getting in touch with nature; they have pot to do that for them(Frankly, if you need drugs to attain a higher level of consciousness, you aren’t ready for it nor do you deserve to be there). It’s about being an advocate for the current cause that isn’t getting any help from people watering down the message by trying to be the most Green person and not the most responsible human they can be. No wonder nature’s dying, we don’t care about her. She’s like the Miz at Wrestlemania; the World champion coming in, but left in the background by two people arguing over who’s better at being trendy… 

“The most important thing to do in your life is to not interfere with somebody else’s life.” -Frank Zappa

That’s how Miz retained his title. He let Cena and The Rock fight it out over who was a bigger star and slithered in to capitalize on the fallen Cena. Let them go do there thing and he’ll be comfortable in the background, winning in the end. Nature’s gonna win in the end, and nothing these weekend hippies do is going to change it. Three days listening to a jam band play one song while getting high and swapping tye dye shirts with Go Green on the labels are not helping the environment. If anything, it’s ruining music. If you’re a weekend hippie(you know who you are), go through this little phase in your life and, as George Carlin’s extra commandment for Alabama states, “Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.” Don’t go feeding this bullshit down our throats that we have to wear a goddamn uniform and listen to faux folk if we’re Green because that’s what’s trending on Green media. We’re animals, not actors. No force fed lines or runway model behavior. “Factory’s no place for me/Bossman let me be”-Beefheart. The minute that it became a marketing gimmick is the same time it became dull and repetitive(SuperCena?) But this machine continues to grow, thanks to current hipster culture that has become the norm, so there’s really no way out…  

“We’re not retreating. We’re advancing…towards future victory.” –The Storm, Sarge

No way to fight it. Best to take a step back and let them have their spotlight for now. Olivia Newton-John could only get physical for so long before the aerobics craze died like disco. Let this Go Green hippie pat-yourself-on-the-back-for-doing-nothing trend run its course. It won’t be long before the weekend hippie goes back to work and realizes that they looked as stupid in their ‘fair trade natural fiber’ shirt and Burkenstocks, with that big Go Green barcode on their face, as they did in their bright spandex when they Jazzercized. It’s a fad, just like Cena, that will go away if given enough time. Don’t go along for the ride if you want to get closer to nature; listen to your instinct and stay away from these heretics. The weekend hippie. They try to kill your animal instinct; just say no. Let them have their fifteen minutes, being Green will become uncool and they will move onto something else. Probably teenage pregnancy. Then the people who are truly one with the spirits of nature can remain World Champion and connect with the Earth… 

“Remember there’s a big difference between kneeling down and bending over.” -Frank Zappa 


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